i had a little come apart the other night. okay, a big, massive, humongous come apart. like crying, couldn't catch my breath, whole lotta tears and snot come apart. i'd just had enough and needed to get it out. boy did it come out!! and my Love was AMAZING! he held me. he let me cry. he talked me through it. he encouraged me.
so, i'm better now. no really, i am! i think i needed to empty my brain completely. not that it's very full in the first place, i know. the last treatment was HARD. definitely the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life x 48461684161. but i DID IT. and it gets easier from here! and really, if you can't have a freak out/hissy fit/come apart after you've gone through the roughest part, when CAN you? am i right? of course i'm right. it's my blog! ha!
i really just needed to release. i have this issue...see, i *kinda* like to have control over things. i might just be a *leeeeetle* OCD. watch out, lightning is about to strike. i'm way OCD. i know God's got this. KNOW it. unfortunately, my puny brain didn't want to give it up. i still want the control over all this! yeah, i don't got control over all this. so i freaked out. it had to happen. it NEEDED to happen. so really, i'm better now.
8 more weeks. 4 more chemo treatments. 2 new drugs. and only 1 is poison! NO evil shot. i hope, i hope, i hope. it's the downhill slope! downhill is the best/easiest/fastest part, right? oh heck yeah.
My heart is breaking for you. I can't even pretend to know what you are feeling or facing, but I can't help but weep with you in these moments. I keep thinking of the verse in Exodus 33:22, where God tells Moses He will hide him in the cleft of a rock and cover him there with his hand. I know that verse was about protecting Moses from full view of God's glory, but it seems soo comforting to me to picture myself being hidden from danger by my Lord's hand. When I feel like giving up, I picture myself in that cleft. I know that God has His hand over you right now.
ReplyDeletePS - It's okay to break down. Even Jesus had a moment of breaking down in the Garden of Gethsemane:
Matthew 26:39 "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'"
It's all about getting back up. :)
Bicki: Call me anytime you need soeone to come help you cry. I'll be there as soon as I can. You can't know how much of a blessing you are to everyone who knows you. You may be the most beautiful person I know. And you ARE CUTE no matter what or when. I love you so much.
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