well that sucks.

how do i even start this blogging adventure?  since, for now, this will be all about the "big C" (cancer...dun dun DUUUUUUUN!) i reckon i'll start there.

(i'll let you know right now that some of this may be tmi.  but if i'm going to tell the whole story, it's gonna happen.)

about a month ago now, my Love and i were hangin' out and doing...well, what husbands and wives do.  he asks "Babe, what is this?"  "oh, just a little bump.  probably scar tissue from where i had that mole removed?  yeah."  and that was that.  until i was showering one day and felt it again.  i looked and thought "hey, that's not where that mole came from.  hmm."  i thought about it for a bit/few days and decided i'd have it checked out.  you know, just to be on the safe side?  so i mentioned it to the husband, he said "okay", and promptly forgot all about it.  we were headed out of town for the 4th of July holiday so i made the appointment for right after we got back. 

went to the "lady doctor" on Friday morning.  he did his thing and said the lump didn't feel "scary" and that i shouldn't lose sleep over it.  but he wanted to be sure so sent me for a mammogram (uh, yikes!) scheduled for the immediately following Monday.  i *didn't* lose any sleep over it because, of course, it didn't feel scary!

Monday.  mammogram day.  uh, really nervous about having the ol' boobs squished flat as a pancake.  mom came over and reassured me that it wasn't horrific or unbearable and i felt a bit better.  went on in, got 'em squished (FLAT, y'all!) and also had an ultrasound on the lump area.  had to go back for a couple more pictures from the mammogram machine because they couldn't see the lump well enough.  kind of started getting suspicious at that point.

Tuesday morning.  the "lady doctor" calls pretty early and says there are "very concerning" results (3 times) on my mammogram and he wants me to see a surgeon today (for a biopsy) and the nurse will call when the appointment has been set up.  freak out time?  yes.  freak. out.  called the husband and he came home from work to go to the appointment with me.  nurse called. appointment made...go now.  we went.  had a biopsy in the office and made an appointment for the following Monday.

and so we waited.  and prayed.  and thought.  and waited. and prayed some more.  and worried.  and waited.  and prayed even more.  Thursday came and went and no phone call.  the husband convinced himself that nothing was wrong since we didn't get a call.  had a busy weekend.  and *i* didn't sleep a wink!  (and my Love had made me promise not to look anything up.  i didn't.)

Monday.  appointment at 3:30pm and we weren't called back until 5pm.  remember now, we're waiting for biopsy results so we are extremely impatient and on edge.  25 minutes after we've been taken back, the doctor comes in.  "well, the results didn't really show what we wanted."  aw crap.  i'm gonna have to have another freakin' biopsy and wait AGAIN!  "there are some cancer cells."  oh my Lord.  he said cancer.  CANCER.  i. have. cancer.  "blah, blah, blah."  cancer, cancer  "this and that."  uhhhhhhh.  cancer.  "something, something."  CANCER.  "i'll go have my nurse make those appointments." and then he leaves the room.

my husband and i looked at each other in disbelief!  he *really* said it!  he wasn't supposed to say that!!  we're stunned, to say the least.  the doctor comes back in and lets us know that the appointments with a chemo oncologist and radiation oncologist will have to be made first thing in the morning since it's late in the day and everyone has gone home.  ok.  he did ask if we had any questions uh yeah.  why do i FREAKING HAVE CANCER!?!, reassured us that he would get us through this, and hands us a little "understanding breast cancer" magazine and the phone numbers of the doctors who will be contacted.  "we'll get back together after you've seen them and talk about it some more." and we were done.  now, i'm not saying he was unkind or uncaring.  in fact, he was extremely gentle and understanding.  we were completely shocked and it just felt...ugh.

i picked up Little Dude and we came home and told him.  probably scared the bejeebers out of him since we were both crying.  he did well, asked some questions, and was just very quiet.  (he is not a quiet kid.)  and then we commenced the announcement.

and that, kids, is how this girl's breast cancer story began.  no family history.  34 years old.  healthy.  (kind of) active.  but here i am.

I have breast cancer.  Breast cancer does not, will not, can not have me!