failure is not an option.

i have been awake since 3:30 this morning.  it's been a ROUGH day with the emotions.  silly me read some more cancer information before bed last night.  D'oh!  that will be the last dang time i do it, too!

went to church this morning for the last time in the next few weeks.  it was a great message that we were definitely supposed to hear.  and i was even more blessed after the service by being able to speak with several ladies who have all been through this.  i cried, of course.  is the sky blue? is the grass green?  are boys clueless?  yes!  it was helpful to hear from so many women who have been through it.  and as they said, they're still here to do the talking!

this morning when i was up at 3:30 i messed around on the computer, watched some infomercials, and finally found some Olympics.  then i decided i might as well make use of the time and clean up the kitchen.  as quietly as possible.  so of course i dropped a stack of cups and made a ruckus!  anyway, i realized just how *crazy* i am!  everything has a home.  and everything belongs in that home.  in a certain way, obviously.  there will be people here helping us out for which i will be eternally grateful, don't get me wrong! and they are going to put stuff in all kinds of wrong places.  and do things in all kinds of wrong ways!  maybe, just maybe, i'll get enough good, strong pain meds that i just won't care!  seriously y'all.  i have ISSUES.  i know this.  i own it!  really, REALLY good meds.  ;o)

the closer we get to surgery, the more nervous i get.  uh duh.  you try scheduling to have something CUT OFF YOUR BODY and tell me you don't get nervous!  and i ain't talking no little toe!  we may have only known each other for a few years but i'm *kinda* attached to these girls!  didja see what i did there?  haha!  oh shut up!  i've been up since 3:30am.  it's funny, darn it!  but i've made up my mind.  i'm 34 years old and by golly, i've got a LOT more stuff to do!  i'm not sure what lesson(s) i'm supposed to be learning, but they are dang hard ones.  nor am i sure what purpose God has for us in all of this or how He'll use me/us.  what i do know is...this cancer is goin' down!  failure is absolutely, positively NOT an option.